I offered you some thoughts on First Shrink Eve, but I didn't tell you what happened on First Shrink Eve Eve (that's the night before the night before First Shrink Day - last Monday). I have to admit that I had a total freak out. I'm serious, this one was first class - choking sobs, hyperventilating, the whole completely unmasculine mess. You see, I realized that walking into the therapist's office meant two things. One, I was officially admitting to someone official that I was officially "crazy". This wasn't just some theory or off-hand diagnosis developed from internet research. This was the real deal, told to someone who was bound by his professional calling and my co-pay to do something about it; which leads us to the next thing. Two, someone was actually going to take away my rituals. This was absolutely terrifying!
Now, anyone who knows anything about therapy, especially this kind, will tell you that nothing happens quickly. Any change that is made will happen slowly over a period of time, so it's not like going to sleep for plastic surgery and waking up looking like someone else. However, the idea of giving up the only things that stand between me and complete and total madness was entirely overwhelming.
You have to understand, World, that this is all I have ever known. It's not like I contracted this thing 5 or 10 years back and I can remember life before "crazy". I have had this for 36 years, since birth! I cannot remember a time when things did not have to happen in even numbers, complete symmetry, or alternating footsteps. I have never known life without OCD. This meant that surrendering to therapy brought a voyage into utterly unknown darkness (with the hope that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger and eventually, I'll be able to function like normal people).
Obviously I got through the freak out, made it to therapy, and Wednesday was a pretty good day, but I felt like I owed it to you to share this. I guess I felt that way because part of the reason for writing this blog is to offer hope to others who may be struggling with OCD. In order to be true to that part of the deal, I feel it is important to show both the beautiful and the ugly. It is the only way truly display the true progression from start to healing. It also helps people who don't have the "crazy" but love someone who does, to understand the way it works.
I had a minor freak out at church today (more about this later, I've shared enough struggle for now). Let's just say that I look forward to talking with Coach tomorrow. It will be nice to have some more victory to write about.
Greg:
ReplyDeleteHaving been to the other end of the road you are just starting to travel, I can tell you that you're doing all the right things.
I can also tell you that you don't have to be afraid of giving up your rituals.
I strange and wonderful thing is going to happen when you're not expecting it: The compulsion to give in to those rituals will slowly dissipate. You won't have to go cold turkey. Your cravings for the rituals will simply fade like a glob of gum losing its flavor.
If you go down the path of trying medication (I ultimately went on Prozac, and a fairly small dosage at that)it will help tremendously. It took about a week for the medicine to start having its effect on me.
That said, you should probably get some more therapy under your belt before going that route. I'm convinced that the reason the medication has been so effective for me is that I did a lot of the hard soul-searching and scraping into my past, and then developing the other coping tools, before the Prozac.
No two OCD cases are the same and ultimately a different path is required for you. But that is where I have been and I thought my sharing couldn't hurt.
What I can tell you for certain though is that you can and will get better. And it will be magical beyond anything you can expect.
With that in mind, I would say it is absolutely safe to drop those fears.
Bill Brenner