Update

Day 91

I saw Coach last Wednesday. He's back from his knee replacement and moving pretty well. We talked about how I was tolerating the new dosage of Zoloft and the Ambien. Going from 50 to 100mg of Zoloft has sent me through another round of side effects. Let's just say that I have had plenty of time in the bathroom for reading and reflection. The morning sickness is back along with the heartburn. I have learned that I have to force myself to eat protein in the morning and to eat lunch, even though I don't feel like it, in order to keep from getting light-headed and punchy in the afternoon. On the other hand, Ambien is wonderful! I have slept straight through the night for the last week and a half. I can't tell you how much easier it is to deal with this stuff when I can sleep.

The other thing we discussed at length, besides my need to work less and reduce my stress, was the possibility of adding a psychostimulant like Ritulin when I see Doc Brown on the 9th. Coach says that these drugs act differently than the antidepressants. The take effect within about 20 minutes and only last 4-6 hours. This means I can manage my focus by taking them only when I need them. We first have to get my Zoloft up to therapeutic levels which means increasing them to 150mg or more. Suffice it to say, we have a ways to go with the medication.

I have a gig tonight. That's always a good thing. Nothing fixes what's wrong with the world like a gig. I haven't had one for a few weeks because we seem to be working less than last year. I guess the economy has finally caught up with us. Oh well, I'll just be thankful for tonight and take the tomorrow with a handful of ibuprofen.

Real Shrink Day

Day 81

I saw Doc Brown, the real deal shrink, today. This guy is the big guns, Kids. He had a background in aerospace engineering before he decided to become a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in the administration of medications to "crazy" people. I didn't see any flux capacitors, but he definitely knows his stuff. He verified that I am on the right medications, but the wrong dosages. My Zoloft is going from 50mg to 100mg. He also added some Ambien to help me sleep. So it looks like, starting tomorrow, we get to have more fun with side-effects. He says that the median dosage of Zoloft is 150mg and that people with serious OCD often require more than that. We'll see how it goes. I see him again in two weeks to evaluate the situation. At that visit we see how I'm tolerating the new dosage and we discuss the possibility of adding a psycostimulant to deal with my ADHD.

Speaking of ADHD, I asked him how in the world a person can have one disorder for which the treatment is organization and routine and another disorder where organization and routine are the problem. He told me to look at it like this. Perhaps the channel changing in my head caused by my ADHD was severe enough t0 cause my brain to hyperorganize and over-routine in order to compensate. The goal of treatment heading forward will be to gain a balance of meds that handle both conditions allowing me to function like "normal" people. Just think, Papa, if this works, I could be a real boy!

Bad Day

Day 75

I really don't want to write this post. I'm forcing myself to do it. Today was a bad day. I have had bad days many times in my life. This one wasn't any more bad than other bad days I've had. The difference between other days and this one is that I'm writing about it. For 36 years, I would just suffer through it alone. I couldn't really tell anyone, because then they'd just worry. You see, "normal" people have bad days, but there's usually a reason or a cause. They can talk about it and say, "Today sucked because (insert sucky reason here)." When you can name what caused it, you can generally devise a plan for fixing it, so they blow it off or tackle it tomorrow, fix it, and go on. It doesn't work that way for "crazy" people.

When we have a day like this, we just have one. We don't know why things suck. In fact, if I recounted my day to you moment by moment, you would probably say, "That doesn't sound so bad." That's because there isn't a cause or clear explanation when you're "crazy." There's only sad. Big, hairy, painful, ugly sad. It's like the worst sadness ever in the world borrows deep inside your bones and you can't shake it no matter how hard you try. You just have to hurt until it doesn't hurt anymore and try not to do anything stupid in the meantime.

Medicine complicates things. Before the meds, I would freak out and completely lose it emotionally. It was three kinds of ugly but at least there was some sort of release. With the meds, I don't lose it, so I'm less likely to hurt myself or anyone else. The downside is that I don't feel, I'm just numb. There's no release - no crying, no screaming, no yelling, no anything - just silent hurt. I'm sorry if this post brings you down, but this is part of the "getting better" thing. I have to tell the whole story. I have to talk about all aspects of this stuff. This is what I promised those of you who, for some unknown reason, have chosen to love me.

So, when it's all said and done, there's always tomorrow. I can only hope that it will be better than today. Life can't suck forever, right? Who would read that?

Back at the Keys

Day 72

OK World, I'm back. Thank you to all those out there who have inquired about my whereabouts. I'm happy to report that my recent disappearance was strictly work related. I was involved in several political campaigns in the recent primary election. After that, I had to climb out from under the mountain of work that had piled up on me while I neglected my regular clients due to my political pursuits. Anyway, I have returned.

The next hurdle in the "getting better" challenge is my appointment with Doc Brown, the shrink. I see him on the 19th. He will evaluate my prescription and decide where we go from there. You may remember that my current dosage is only an introductory strength of 50 mg. Coach says that regular clinical strength is anywhere from 100 to 150 mg. Also, since the Xanax ran out, I haven't been sleeping again. I dance with the "Blue Death" occasionally, but I try to use it only in desperate circumstances. Dr. Thurman doesn't like me to mix OTC and prescription meds in the long term.

I have noticed that I function better around "normal" people since the Zoloft reached full potency. I have to admit, though, that I haven't begun doing exposures and challenging my rituals yet. Not having the pressure of hiding them from my friends helps, but it also enables me a bit. I know I will have to take them on eventually. I'm just waiting until I know what a full dose of meds will do to me.

Coach tested me at my last session and officially declared that I have ADHD. This is something I have known for years, but I finally have a real diagnosis. Now, here's the true definition of "crazy." I have one disorder that is managed by routine and organization. I have another disorder that is routine and organization elevated to the level of sickness. In Gatlinburg, my wife found a T-Shirt that reminded her of me. It said, "You're just jealous, because the voices only speak to me." The trick is learning which ones to listen to, I guess.

In other news, I have actually started playing music again and having some semblance of creative thought. I sat down at the piano and enjoyed myself for the first time in a long while recently. For those of you who know me it may be hard to believe, but the "crazy" got so bad that I literally didn't play for over six months. I couldn't focus long enough to make it happen. It borders on tragic to think that something so integral to my very being was beyond my reach. I can't tell you what it means to me to have the music back. I can hear it in my head and make sense of it where, for so long, there was only noise, confusion, and cacophony. I have also been able to laugh again in the last few weeks. I love to laugh. It's healthy. But when you're imprisoned by the "crazy" nothing is funny. I have a long way to go, but it's slowly getting better. That's good news.