3 Weeks of Pills

Day 48

Today marks three weeks on Zoloft. I can say that I have felt a difference. My "freak outs" are at least manageable. They are still pretty intense in my head, but I can get through them using breathing and visualization. Coach says that the dosage I'm taking is an introductory dose and that therapeutic levels are usually 2 to 3 times as much. I'm sure that that Doc Brown will want to increase my dosage when I see him in May. I'll probably need the help as I haven't started intentionally doing exposures yet. The strength I'm on now basically allows me to muddle through.

Also, I'm out of the tiny amount of Xanax I was given to help me sleep. I slept last night, but I noticed that my dreams weren't peaceful. I found myself running from things, worrying about things, and fighting things. They weren't as bad as the ones that used to wake me up several times a night, but they were definitely heading that way. I'm interested in seeing how I feel next Friday after 4 full weeks with Zoloft. At this point, I'm just thankful for what relief I have.

Balloons

Day 44

I was going to tack this on to the previous post, but I decided it deserved one of its own. My business partner has some very good friends who lost their son recently. Dwaine was a remarkable person from what I have learned. He was severely mentally handicapped and from birth he was left at the hospital for dead. This woman, a nurse, took him in. She and her husband adopted him and raised him. He lived to be sixteen and brought joy to countless people.

One of his greatest loves was balloons, purple ones to be exact. So, at his memorial service, hundreds of balloons were released in his honor. Last week I was designing the "Thank You" cards that his family would send to people who attended the service. On the front of the cards is an illustration of purple balloons floating into the sky. After I drew the illustration, I realized some things about balloons.

You can't push, pull, throw, or launch them into the sky. In order for them to fly, you need only to stop holding them back. Once you let go and release the balloons, they do what they were created to do - fly. As I continue to struggle through this recovery, one day at a day time, I will think often about those balloons and realize that worrying is like trying to push balloons into flight. The magic only happens when we let go.

Besides the side effects...

Day 44

Well, World, last Friday marked 2 weeks on my medication. This means that, by now, I'm supposed to have seen all that Zoloft can throw at me with regard to side effects. At this point, I still wake up nauseous every morning, but it's getting better. I have learned that eating a small amount of food for breakfast such as a muffin, a banana, or some cereal helps to calm things down. I've also learned to pack a snack to help me through the 3 pm crash. I still don't have much of an appetite and I'm down about 10 pounds, but that's OK with me. I could lose about 40 more before I worry about it and I doubt that I'm going to be that fortunate. Most of the people who report weight loss with SSRI medications say that they eventually gain the weight back anyway. I'm going to try not to let that happen. Besides, all my life I have eaten for comfort and if the meds do their job I shouldn't have the anxiety that caused the medicinal eating.

In other news, My son begins Little League tomorrow. We bought the glove and bat yesterday. I was so excited to pass on the love of baseball. There is something American, something spiritual, something downright manly about baseball. It was such a massive part of my development as a young man. I learned to play on a team. I learned to win and lose with dignity and pride. I learned to overcome my fears. And I learned to push myself beyond my limits to grow in my abilities. Baseball united me with my friends, my family, and most importantly my dad. I am truly overjoyed to share this with my boy. This will be good for both of us.

Mountain Music

Day 37

"Oh, play me that mountain music
Like Grandma and Grandpa used to play
Then I'll float on down the river
To a Cajun hideaway"
-Alabama

Leslie and I got back from Gatlinburg yesterday. It feels good to be with the Murmels (our kids... more later) again. I missed them. There is a sadness, though, that lingers at our house. We found the beginnings of some real healing down there and a longer stay would have been nice. We're planning a family trip for the summer - I look forward to returning. There's something about seeing mountains that reminds you of how there are bigger and more important things than the daily crap you face.

Leslie went with me to see Coach today. She's on Spring Break and I'm glad she had the chance to meet him. I think it was good for him to see our relationship in action as well. He seems reassured that our marriage is strong and that she is on board with this whole "getting better" thing. We discussed side effects of the medications and how to deal with re-entry (coming home to work and life again). We talked about finding ways to go back there in my mind when the freak outs come. That's where the music and the food come in. These are my two greatest sources of comfort. I'll have to work on ways to bring Gatlinburg back to Ohio - even if its only in my mind.

For now, I'm still sick every morning from the medication, I have no appetite, and I'm buried in projects with insane deadlines, but we just muddle through, right? On a positive note, I noticed that my thyme and oregano plants are coming back alongside my chives. Also, my apple trees are blossoming and the bumble bees are hard at work helping them make babies. I love the fragrances of spring. Soon the lavender will bolt and the mint will take off. Before you know it, we'll be planting tomatoes and peppers. Maybe, when the medicine evens out, I'll feel like cooking. How's that for positive thinking?