I really don't want to write this post. I'm forcing myself to do it. Today was a bad day. I have had bad days many times in my life. This one wasn't any more bad than other bad days I've had. The difference between other days and this one is that I'm writing about it. For 36 years, I would just suffer through it alone. I couldn't really tell anyone, because then they'd just worry. You see, "normal" people have bad days, but there's usually a reason or a cause. They can talk about it and say, "Today sucked because (insert sucky reason here)." When you can name what caused it, you can generally devise a plan for fixing it, so they blow it off or tackle it tomorrow, fix it, and go on. It doesn't work that way for "crazy" people.
When we have a day like this, we just have one. We don't know why things suck. In fact, if I recounted my day to you moment by moment, you would probably say, "That doesn't sound so bad." That's because there isn't a cause or clear explanation when you're "crazy." There's only sad. Big, hairy, painful, ugly sad. It's like the worst sadness ever in the world borrows deep inside your bones and you can't shake it no matter how hard you try. You just have to hurt until it doesn't hurt anymore and try not to do anything stupid in the meantime.
Medicine complicates things. Before the meds, I would freak out and completely lose it emotionally. It was three kinds of ugly but at least there was some sort of release. With the meds, I don't lose it, so I'm less likely to hurt myself or anyone else. The downside is that I don't feel, I'm just numb. There's no release - no crying, no screaming, no yelling, no anything - just silent hurt. I'm sorry if this post brings you down, but this is part of the "getting better" thing. I have to tell the whole story. I have to talk about all aspects of this stuff. This is what I promised those of you who, for some unknown reason, have chosen to love me.
So, when it's all said and done, there's always tomorrow. I can only hope that it will be better than today. Life can't suck forever, right? Who would read that?
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. I hear you on the not knowing why a particular day sucked--and then my ocd would kick and try to figure it out which only made things worse. The silent hurt is hard--my heart goes out to you.
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