Day 211
I've written before about how everything in my life is a choice. This has been particularly fresh in mind today, so I thought I would give some examples.
Happiness is a feeling
Joy is a choice
Restlessness is a feeling
Compulsion is a choice
Admiration is a feeling
Respect is a choice
Smart is a feeling
Wisdom is a choice
Infatuation is a feeling
Love is a choice
Sadness is a feeling
Misery is a choice
Anger is a feeling
Vengeance is a choice
Curiosity is a feeling
Obsession is a choice
Sure is a feeling
Faith is a choice
Satisfaction is a feeling
Contentment is a choice
Frustration is a feeling
Defeat is a choice
Remember, your choices make all the difference.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Outside the Walls
Day 210
When others accept, I ask "why"
When others walk, I try to fly
When others stop and hold their ground, I see another way around
When others speak, I choose to sing
When others release, I'm prone to cling
When others work, I'd rather play and call it work if that's OK
When others whisper low, I shout
When others withhold, I let it out
When others color in the lines, I make daring new designs
When others grandstand, I just yawn
When others settle, I press on
When others hold their thoughts in bind, I go ahead and speak my mind
When others reason through, I feel
When others quit, I cut a deal
When others dream of true romance, I kick up both my heels and dance
When others fall in line, I lead
When others guard their hearts, I bleed
When others retreat within their halls, I will remain outside the walls
Yes, I will remain outside the walls
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
When others accept, I ask "why"
When others walk, I try to fly
When others stop and hold their ground, I see another way around
When others speak, I choose to sing
When others release, I'm prone to cling
When others work, I'd rather play and call it work if that's OK
When others whisper low, I shout
When others withhold, I let it out
When others color in the lines, I make daring new designs
When others grandstand, I just yawn
When others settle, I press on
When others hold their thoughts in bind, I go ahead and speak my mind
When others reason through, I feel
When others quit, I cut a deal
When others dream of true romance, I kick up both my heels and dance
When others fall in line, I lead
When others guard their hearts, I bleed
When others retreat within their halls, I will remain outside the walls
Yes, I will remain outside the walls
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, September 24, 2010
Zoning Out
Day 209
Some of you are undoubtedly curious about the origin of the poem from yesterday. I have been experiencing what I have come to call zone outs. Not long ago, Leslie and I left a business meeting at the same time. She headed for church to pick up the kids and I headed home. I remember calling my mother, walking the dog, and going to sit in the back yard. I didn't bother to turn on any lights, I was just sitting there in the dark. I used to do something similar with my dog when I was a kid.
The next thing I knew Leslie was calling my phone to see where I was. She had been home for some time and had put the kids to bed. I answered and told her I was in the back yard. When she asked me how long I had been out there, I didn't know. I had simply lost an indeterminate period of time.
I can think of a handful of times that this happened to me as a child and I used to occasionally lose sizable periods of time in college when my roommate would go home for the weekend. I never thought much of it, because it never really affected anyone else. When I was hiding all those years, it was imperative that I cover it up, so it never became an issue for people who were close to me. Now that others know about the "crazy," I've had to be mindful of the way this behavior effects my friends and family.
Part of the concern is that I have been off of my Concerta for a few days. I was having persistent heartburn and I needed to rule out the medication. As it so happens, it was just a sinus thing. I will resume my focus medication tomorrow and hopefully reduce the zone outs.
The second part of the concern is that my grandmother had Alzheimer's disease. I watched her suffer with it for years. Her brother also had it. In fact, they were in the same unit at the same nursing home passing each other in the hallway daily, but couldn't recognize each other's face. If that wasn't enough their sister also suffers from the disease. Three siblings with the same affliction-- no recollection of their spouses, their children, or each other. I don't know if this kind of thing runs in families, but I do know that losing my mind terrifies me. It's the only thing I fear more than deafness.
I wrote the poem to express my feelings of struggle and fear, but to also hear myself profess the hope of brighter days ahead and the many years that stretch out before me. After all, the only thing I really have is today and a good shot at tomorrow. Whatever lies beyond that, I'll have to take as it comes.
Some of you are undoubtedly curious about the origin of the poem from yesterday. I have been experiencing what I have come to call zone outs. Not long ago, Leslie and I left a business meeting at the same time. She headed for church to pick up the kids and I headed home. I remember calling my mother, walking the dog, and going to sit in the back yard. I didn't bother to turn on any lights, I was just sitting there in the dark. I used to do something similar with my dog when I was a kid.
The next thing I knew Leslie was calling my phone to see where I was. She had been home for some time and had put the kids to bed. I answered and told her I was in the back yard. When she asked me how long I had been out there, I didn't know. I had simply lost an indeterminate period of time.
I can think of a handful of times that this happened to me as a child and I used to occasionally lose sizable periods of time in college when my roommate would go home for the weekend. I never thought much of it, because it never really affected anyone else. When I was hiding all those years, it was imperative that I cover it up, so it never became an issue for people who were close to me. Now that others know about the "crazy," I've had to be mindful of the way this behavior effects my friends and family.
Part of the concern is that I have been off of my Concerta for a few days. I was having persistent heartburn and I needed to rule out the medication. As it so happens, it was just a sinus thing. I will resume my focus medication tomorrow and hopefully reduce the zone outs.
The second part of the concern is that my grandmother had Alzheimer's disease. I watched her suffer with it for years. Her brother also had it. In fact, they were in the same unit at the same nursing home passing each other in the hallway daily, but couldn't recognize each other's face. If that wasn't enough their sister also suffers from the disease. Three siblings with the same affliction-- no recollection of their spouses, their children, or each other. I don't know if this kind of thing runs in families, but I do know that losing my mind terrifies me. It's the only thing I fear more than deafness.
I wrote the poem to express my feelings of struggle and fear, but to also hear myself profess the hope of brighter days ahead and the many years that stretch out before me. After all, the only thing I really have is today and a good shot at tomorrow. Whatever lies beyond that, I'll have to take as it comes.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Journey In My Head
Day 208
Where do I go when I am gone?
Where do I hide when I'm withdrawn?
A minute. An hour. A night.
And then, the dawn will rescue me again.
A random thought, a frantic rabbit.
Disappearing becomes a habit
Face it. Chase it. Fight it down.
Then stab it and bury it in frigid ground.
I fade. I stare. I check out. I zone.
She brings me back from all alone.
Twisted, tangled, thoughts astray.
I phone it in - she says, "that's OK."
In the corners of my mind I've found,
Nothing because my mind is round.
But with every daunting step I take,
I'm bound to once again awake.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Where do I go when I am gone?
Where do I hide when I'm withdrawn?
A minute. An hour. A night.
And then, the dawn will rescue me again.
A random thought, a frantic rabbit.
Disappearing becomes a habit
Face it. Chase it. Fight it down.
Then stab it and bury it in frigid ground.
I fade. I stare. I check out. I zone.
She brings me back from all alone.
Twisted, tangled, thoughts astray.
I phone it in - she says, "that's OK."
In the corners of my mind I've found,
Nothing because my mind is round.
But with every daunting step I take,
I'm bound to once again awake.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sharing the Struggles
Day 191
My association with church and religion has been a complicated and many-faceted one over the years. My relationship with God began in my teens and has grown through countless seasons of life--some pretty and some not so much. Ministry has been, in some ways, my greatest joy and, in other ways, my greatest pain. I have had the privilege of helping people discover God's love, mercy, and grace for themselves. I have taught from scriptures and applied timeless Biblical truth to life in ways that have enabled people to grow closer to God and love others. I have also suffered inhuman levels of abuse at the hands of people who claim to love and follow Jesus. I have been lied about, lied to, ridiculed, mocked, plotted against, betrayed, cussed, dismissed, ignored, and marginalized--all within the walls of the church.
My philosophy of ministry has never exactly jived with the church establishment. Maybe it's the "crazy", but I have always struggled with the idea of fixing, improving, changing, and saving people with religion. I see Jesus differently. My goal has always been to try to be authentic, open, and truthful as I build relationships with people inside and outside the church walls. I believe that the Apostle Paul spoke to this in the book of Philippians.
In verse 14, after he shared about how the strength of God enabled him to live whether in want or in plenty, he states, "Still, it was good of you to share in my struggles." The point is that the power of God, the strength of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the love of God and so on will be experienced when we care enough to simply share in each other's struggles.
That's one of the things that I hope to accomplish through this blog. I want to write openly, authenticly, and truthfully in an effort to share in the struggles of others and allow them to share in mine. This is how we win. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU to all who read these words. Please know that somewhere there's a guy who regularly prays for everyone touched by the "crazy". You are remembered, appreciated, supported, and loved. Hang in there.
My association with church and religion has been a complicated and many-faceted one over the years. My relationship with God began in my teens and has grown through countless seasons of life--some pretty and some not so much. Ministry has been, in some ways, my greatest joy and, in other ways, my greatest pain. I have had the privilege of helping people discover God's love, mercy, and grace for themselves. I have taught from scriptures and applied timeless Biblical truth to life in ways that have enabled people to grow closer to God and love others. I have also suffered inhuman levels of abuse at the hands of people who claim to love and follow Jesus. I have been lied about, lied to, ridiculed, mocked, plotted against, betrayed, cussed, dismissed, ignored, and marginalized--all within the walls of the church.
My philosophy of ministry has never exactly jived with the church establishment. Maybe it's the "crazy", but I have always struggled with the idea of fixing, improving, changing, and saving people with religion. I see Jesus differently. My goal has always been to try to be authentic, open, and truthful as I build relationships with people inside and outside the church walls. I believe that the Apostle Paul spoke to this in the book of Philippians.
In verse 14, after he shared about how the strength of God enabled him to live whether in want or in plenty, he states, "Still, it was good of you to share in my struggles." The point is that the power of God, the strength of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the love of God and so on will be experienced when we care enough to simply share in each other's struggles.
That's one of the things that I hope to accomplish through this blog. I want to write openly, authenticly, and truthfully in an effort to share in the struggles of others and allow them to share in mine. This is how we win. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU to all who read these words. Please know that somewhere there's a guy who regularly prays for everyone touched by the "crazy". You are remembered, appreciated, supported, and loved. Hang in there.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Quick Update - New Meds
Day 187
I saw Doc Brown on Wednesday. We decided that 40mg of Methylin in two doses wasn't getting the job done. We opted for Concerta in an effort to eliminate remembering to take pills in the middle of the day, boost the focus effect and minimize the rebound symptoms. I started it today. I took two 36mg capsules around 9:30 am and it's now 9:56 pm.
I have felt it wearing off for the last 30-40 minutes and I'm beginning to rebound. All in all, things went pretty smoothly considering we went from 40mg of one med in two 20mg dosages to 72mg of the same basic med (the FDA maximum dosage) in one dosage with a long-term release mechanism. Right now, I'm just waiting. It usually takes a day or two to discover all of the fun side effects of drugs like these. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
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