Day 591
My last meeting with Coach was back in May. I scheduled a follow-up that day for sometime during the summer, but I missed it, so, needless to say, it had been a while. We had an awesome time catching up on all that has happened in the last four months (more about that later).
Our main topic of conversation was all of the progress I have made in a year and a half. The cocktail of meds that I take every night is doing the trick and I'm functioning better than ever. I can't say that I have completely conquered the "crazy." I would say it's more like OCD and I have negotiated a form of organized chaos. I don't know if we'll ever "break up" but we have had "the talk." We sat down and worked it out.
Me: "It's not you, it's me. I just need some space - to think things through. I need to find myself and what really makes me happy."
OCD: "But..."
Me: "Look, you deserve to be happy too. I'm not stupid, you know. I've seen how miserable you've been for the last year and a half."
OCD: "I know it's been rough, but I can change, really."
Me: "I appreciate the thought, but you haven't changed in 38 years and I don't see it happening now. I just think that some distance will do us good. It's exactly what we both need right now."
OCD: "Can we still be friends?"
Me: "I don't know, maybe, but things will never be like they were. We can keep talking I guess and see where things go from there."
OCD: "I can live with that."
Me: "OK."
Disclaimer: If you have to ask me where that bit of dialogue came from, you don't really have OCD.
Anyway, I shared with Coach what I have been working on all summer. Having my head clear has allowed me to focus on a project that I'm very passionate about. It's called "Freeing Families." I identified 12 freedoms that I believe are evident in the life of a healthy family. Then I created a system to teach people how to strengthen their families so that these 12 freedoms become part of their daily lives. Once I created all this content, I launched www.freeingfamilies.com. It's a website where people can go to learn about how it all works.
I also began assembling the entire first year of posts from this blog into a eBook along with some extra bonus content. I hope to make that available on this blog very soon. It was an action-packed summer to say the least, but some really great things came out of it. I have to say that there is a lot of satisfaction that comes from looking at the road behind me and see how far I've traveled. Thank you so much to all of you who have journeyed with me. As I told the Coach, this would not have been possible without you.
If you would be interested in a copy of Conquering Crazy Year One, please leave a comment or email me and let me know. I'm always balancing priorities and, if there is interest in this, I'll move it up the list.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
OCD Test
Day 560
"So, you believe that you have OCD?"
"Yes."
"Then you probably do."
"Really?"
"Have you done any reading, research, tested yourself?"
"All of the above. I have scoured the internet, read two books, and taken two different tests by two different authors."
"Two?"
"It's an even number thing."
"I see. It seems you've arrived at a pretty clear diagnosis. That's doesn't surprise me, actually. Most of my patients who have OCD are self-diagnosed."
This was the first conversation I had with Coach regarding the "crazy". I was surprised at first to learn that self-diagnosis was the rule and not the exception. But once I thought about it, the idea made perfect sense to me. I mean, after all, we are the kings and queens of research. For 36 years the mere mention of new subject matter would provide fuel for days of obsessive informational devourment. In reality, no one needed to diagnose me at all. I had lived with it all my life, so the beginning of my journey had more to do with admittance than proclamation.
In the last year and a half I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing people who live with "crazy" of there own. Regardless of the details, nearly every one of them were self-diagnosed in the beginning. This is why I decided to write this post and share how I arrived at my diagnosis. You may be out there wondering whether you have OCD. Maybe your friends tease you about being neat, super clean, overly organized, or whatever; and their jibes have left you wondering. I can't pronounce you OCD, but I can show you what led me to that conclusion and hopefully it helps.
I started with a book called Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty
by Johnathan Grayson. This book takes it apart piece by piece and walks you through every step of self-assessment (in fact I chose it at my local bookstore mainly because it had the most exhaustive test section). I have never met Dr. Grayson, but he has been dealing with OCD for decades and I can tell you from personal experience, the man knows his "crazy". I learned a ton of awesome information from this book including how OCD manifests differently in each person, how to understand where the "OCD thoughts" come from, and how to challenge it through cognitive behavioral therapy.
Even today, I still use much of what I learned from Dr. Grayson. It's not an overly entertaining book or a hand-holding touchy-feely experience, but it is packed full of facts, explanations, and assessments. I highly recommend picking up a copy to use as a reference during your journey. I know I have returned to this book many times for those helpful bits of information that I couldn't quite recall. I have also reassessed myself with the tests to find where I have progressed. It's not an expensive book, but one we all should own. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.
"So, you believe that you have OCD?"
"Yes."
"Then you probably do."
"Really?"
"Have you done any reading, research, tested yourself?"
"All of the above. I have scoured the internet, read two books, and taken two different tests by two different authors."
"Two?"
"It's an even number thing."
"I see. It seems you've arrived at a pretty clear diagnosis. That's doesn't surprise me, actually. Most of my patients who have OCD are self-diagnosed."
This was the first conversation I had with Coach regarding the "crazy". I was surprised at first to learn that self-diagnosis was the rule and not the exception. But once I thought about it, the idea made perfect sense to me. I mean, after all, we are the kings and queens of research. For 36 years the mere mention of new subject matter would provide fuel for days of obsessive informational devourment. In reality, no one needed to diagnose me at all. I had lived with it all my life, so the beginning of my journey had more to do with admittance than proclamation.
In the last year and a half I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing people who live with "crazy" of there own. Regardless of the details, nearly every one of them were self-diagnosed in the beginning. This is why I decided to write this post and share how I arrived at my diagnosis. You may be out there wondering whether you have OCD. Maybe your friends tease you about being neat, super clean, overly organized, or whatever; and their jibes have left you wondering. I can't pronounce you OCD, but I can show you what led me to that conclusion and hopefully it helps.
I started with a book called Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty
by Johnathan Grayson. This book takes it apart piece by piece and walks you through every step of self-assessment (in fact I chose it at my local bookstore mainly because it had the most exhaustive test section). I have never met Dr. Grayson, but he has been dealing with OCD for decades and I can tell you from personal experience, the man knows his "crazy". I learned a ton of awesome information from this book including how OCD manifests differently in each person, how to understand where the "OCD thoughts" come from, and how to challenge it through cognitive behavioral therapy.Even today, I still use much of what I learned from Dr. Grayson. It's not an overly entertaining book or a hand-holding touchy-feely experience, but it is packed full of facts, explanations, and assessments. I highly recommend picking up a copy to use as a reference during your journey. I know I have returned to this book many times for those helpful bits of information that I couldn't quite recall. I have also reassessed myself with the tests to find where I have progressed. It's not an expensive book, but one we all should own. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.Please feel free to share your thoughts about this book and/or this post in comments section. The more we talk to each other, the more progress we make.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Knowledge vs. Wisdom
Day 547
I heard once that Knowledge was knowing the answers and Wisdom was knowing where to find them. I still believe there’s truth to that, but recently I’ve unearthed a broader understanding of these two virtues.
As a young man, I took pride in the fact that I knew a lot of answers (and even if I didn’t, I was full of enough BS to fake it until I did). I saw that having an answer for everything showed people that I was smart, quick, and intellectually formidable. I also learned that having quick answers either impressed or intimidated most people allowing me to push my way through otherwise challenging situations.
Now that I’m living on the other side of 37, I have a different perspective. I understand that the defense of my insatiable appetite for knowledge was often just a rationalization for my “Crazy”. I allowed OCD to drive me and then justified it by displaying my impressive collection of informational pirate booty. I used knowledge as weaponry in the conquest of of my environment. I railed against the systems and institutions that imprisoned my "boxless” world view. Seduced by my sickness, I sold myself to its offerings and laid waste to my surroundings in a desperate effort to gain a modicum of emotional elbow room.
It wasn’t until I began therapy that I learned to view Wisdom in higher regard. Wisdom was swimming in the ocean. Vast and deep, slow and lumbering; its power was undoubtedly immense, but it never seemed worth the effort. Wisdom was the territory of the aged. Its lavish, horded wealth of mystical secrets lined the pockets of the seasoned and the sage. I was young and quick, strong and smart. I didn’t have time to wait for the old money of wisdom to pass down to me.
As I approach the halftime of my life, I can say I know things now, that I didn’t know then. Knowledge, it seems, is still about having the answers to the questions. Wisdom, however, lies deep within the ability to ask the right questions at the right time.
What question is burning in your mind these days? Take some time and journey into its possibilities. You may find that swimming in the ocean can be rather refreshing.
I heard once that Knowledge was knowing the answers and Wisdom was knowing where to find them. I still believe there’s truth to that, but recently I’ve unearthed a broader understanding of these two virtues.
As a young man, I took pride in the fact that I knew a lot of answers (and even if I didn’t, I was full of enough BS to fake it until I did). I saw that having an answer for everything showed people that I was smart, quick, and intellectually formidable. I also learned that having quick answers either impressed or intimidated most people allowing me to push my way through otherwise challenging situations.
Now that I’m living on the other side of 37, I have a different perspective. I understand that the defense of my insatiable appetite for knowledge was often just a rationalization for my “Crazy”. I allowed OCD to drive me and then justified it by displaying my impressive collection of informational pirate booty. I used knowledge as weaponry in the conquest of of my environment. I railed against the systems and institutions that imprisoned my "boxless” world view. Seduced by my sickness, I sold myself to its offerings and laid waste to my surroundings in a desperate effort to gain a modicum of emotional elbow room.
It wasn’t until I began therapy that I learned to view Wisdom in higher regard. Wisdom was swimming in the ocean. Vast and deep, slow and lumbering; its power was undoubtedly immense, but it never seemed worth the effort. Wisdom was the territory of the aged. Its lavish, horded wealth of mystical secrets lined the pockets of the seasoned and the sage. I was young and quick, strong and smart. I didn’t have time to wait for the old money of wisdom to pass down to me.
As I approach the halftime of my life, I can say I know things now, that I didn’t know then. Knowledge, it seems, is still about having the answers to the questions. Wisdom, however, lies deep within the ability to ask the right questions at the right time.
What question is burning in your mind these days? Take some time and journey into its possibilities. You may find that swimming in the ocean can be rather refreshing.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Checkup
Day 516
I had a checkup with Doc Brown last week and, when he asked how things were going, I was able to say really positive things!
I told him about how I had enjoyed watching my son play baseball and my daughter play a lead role in a summer musical. I told him about how I had enjoyed family bike rides and special events like my birthday. I even had the chance to share about my return to the YMCA (that's a future post of it's own).
In short, it felt great to talk about positive things in a session for once. I'm even going to try sleeping without Tamazapam. We'll see how it goes.
Now, I'm enough of a realist to know that there will be tough times on the heels of the good ones. I'm simply choosing to make the most of these while I have them. What about you? How about leaving a comment on this post about something positive so we can celebrate together?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
I had a checkup with Doc Brown last week and, when he asked how things were going, I was able to say really positive things!
I told him about how I had enjoyed watching my son play baseball and my daughter play a lead role in a summer musical. I told him about how I had enjoyed family bike rides and special events like my birthday. I even had the chance to share about my return to the YMCA (that's a future post of it's own).
In short, it felt great to talk about positive things in a session for once. I'm even going to try sleeping without Tamazapam. We'll see how it goes.
Now, I'm enough of a realist to know that there will be tough times on the heels of the good ones. I'm simply choosing to make the most of these while I have them. What about you? How about leaving a comment on this post about something positive so we can celebrate together?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod
Monday, July 18, 2011
Super Power or Kryptonite
Day 509
OCD and ADHD combine into an odd concoction of abilities. For instance, ADHD removes all filtering in my brain. “Normal” people can have a conversation and, though they hear other sounds around them, they are able to tune out the extraneous noise in the room and focus on the person with whom they are talking. I can’t do that. With ADHD, all input is equally important, all the time. A busy room becomes a sonic tapestry of interwoven conversational threads. Needless to say, restaurants can be excruciating.
When you add OCD into the mix, I not only hear all input equally, but I am, then, compelled to record and organize it in my mind. I can actually hear four or five conversations going around me and keep track of them individually in my head. This is a neat party trick for about ten minutes and then it becomes completely maddening, not to mention frustrating to whoever is with me at the time. I try to think of it as one of my super powers, but despite the wow factor, it's mentally exhausting.
To give you an idea of what it's like, I'm going to let you into my head for ten minutes as a friend and I stopped into Starbucks for coffee. Keep in mind that everything you read was recorded in my head, simultaneously, in real time and typed verbatim three hours later.
10 minutes in Starbucks
Mike: (heading to the restroom) “I’ll take a coffee. Pick me out something real nice.”
Mike: (heading to the restroom) “I’ll take a coffee. Pick me out something real nice.”
Guy in front of me: “Now we’re talking, that’s exactly the flavor I was looking for. Here, Honey, try this.”
Foursome behind me:
Person 1 “That’s really great, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
Person 2 “Yeah, you did very well, you should think about it as a profession.”
Person 3 ”I just never thought it would be a good fit for me. I guess I was wrong.”
Couple by the door:
Woman “I just don’t know if she’s ready, Jim. I don’t think we should push.”
Man “I’m not trying to push. I just think it would be good for her, that’s all.”
Cashiers:
Woman 1 “I’ll finish clearing the pastry case.”
Woman 2 “I’m just trying to get my register to ring out.”
Woman 1 “Just close your till. (looking at me) I can ring you up over here.”
Guy in front: (walking away) “See I told you you’d like it. It’s sweet with just a little bite.”
Foursome:
Person 2 “We need to tell Jane about this.”
Person 1 “I think we should just show her the pictures and see what she does.”
Person 3 “I think we’ll have to. She’d never believe if we just told her.”
Cashiers: Woman 1 “What can I get started for you?”
Me: “Two tall Pikes with room, please.”
Couple by the door:
Woman “Don’t worry, she’ll come around in time. I was the same way.”
Man “I hope you’re right. I’d hate to see her miss an opportunity like this.”
Cahiers: Woman 1 “Here you go.”
Me: “Thanks.”
Mike: (back from the men’s room) “What’s that?”
Me: “It's the Starbucks app. I can load my card and use this to pay. They scan it with that thing.”
Mike: “That’s so cool.”
Foursome:
Person 3 “What time is it? We should go.”
Person 2 “Oh my, it’s after nine.”
Person 3 “Yeah, I think they close at ten anyway.”
Person 3 “They do.”
Me: (walking to the condiment bar) “It’s cool, I just load with fifty bucks at a time and pay it down. This way I don’t have to carry that card. What? Oh, do you need some cream? Miss, can we get some half and half?”
Coffee Woman: (handing the carton) "Sure, I think I can trust you not to run off with it.”
Couple by the door:
Man” Do you think she understands that I’m just looking out for her?”
Woman “Maybe. I wouldn’t stress about it. You know how she can be.”
Foursome: (leaving to my left) Person 1 “We should do this again sometime.”
Me: (checking email on my iPod) “If Sirius Radio really wants me back, they’ll fix it so I can hear football. I can listen to every baseball game being played, every NBA game, every NHL game, but if I want to listen to the NFL, I have to pay for the best of Sirius package on top of my XM subscription.”
Couple by the door: Woman “The food case is empty and they’re down to one register. I think they’re closing up.”
Mike: (handing back the half and half) “Here you go.”
Coffee Woman: “Thanks.”
Me: “When they were separate companies, XM had baseball, basketball, and hockey, but Sirius had football. After the merger, they still make me play extra for football. It’s just like how I was done with Monday night football when they made me pay for it. (leaving) That’s crazy! This is America. People went to war and died so that there could be free football in this country on Monday nights.”
Mike: “I think they went to war and died so that people could make money on football.”
Me: “Anyway, I think it’s stupid. Where did we park?”
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
38
Day 497
Today is July 6, 2011 and I became 38 years old this afternoon. I have had other birthdays (37 to be exact), but this one was different. I usually spend by birthdays flogging myself with the scourge of self-pity as I slog through every depression-filled moment, thinking of all of the things I haven't accomplished. I revisit every dream of my youth in excruciating detail mocking myself for my complete lack of achievement. I remind myself of the ages when all of my grandparents died, as I try to calculate my probable life expectancy. Once I arrive at the number that will surely mark the end of my truly unremarkable life, I take note of just how much of it is already over. Makes you want to light the candles and sing, "Happy Birthday" doesn't it? It's morbid, I know. That's why today was so significant.
Today, I didn't do any of the usual depressing birthday things. I didn't stagger into the day with the sick sense of certain doom and despair I have come to know as birthday. I woke up with a different perspective. I went to work in a different mood. In fact, I did everything differently, because I realized some extremely important things. What I am about to share was huge for me. I don't necessarily expect it to be monumental for everyone, but I will warn you that reading any further may just screw up an otherwise very bad day.
My Birthday Epiphanies
The Magic of Marriage
Of my 38 years on this earth, I have known my wife for 26 of them. She has been my girlfriend for 22 of them and my wife for more than 15. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't know her and I never want to. She is precious to me. I have written about her in this blog before, and I could write volumes about what she means to me. Today, however I realized that if I could hold in my hand the complete fulfillment of every plan, scheme, and dream of my youth, I would trade them all instantly, without a second thought, for any one those 26 years. The fact that I have them all is worth more than any achievement, accomplishment, or accolade. I told you, she is precious to me. And just so you know, I told her too before I ever thought of writing this post.
The Encouragement of Children
My daughter is nearly 13 and my son is 8. I used to watch them and fret about whether or not I passed the "crazy" on genetically. Now, I look at them and see all of the aspects I love most about my wife, the humorous habits of my parents, and the talents that came from me. Sure, they have some of the odd bits too, but that's why they need parents. And it's good to be needed.
The Foundation of Friends
Among the things I took stock of today, were my friends. When I considered my small group of very close friends, I realized that every one of them are lifers. By lifers, I mean that they've been my friends for decades and they'll probably attend my retirement party, my 50th wedding anniversary celebration and my funeral. Nearly every member of the Greg's Friends Club has belonged for 15 or more years - some as long as 20 or even longer. This partially comes from being a lifer to other people, but there's a hefty load of blessing in the mix as well.
The Mindset of Maturity
Finally, I realized that the plans and dreams that I have been lamenting for years are not the plans and dreams of a mature man. They are the fleeting aspirations of a young man. I don't value the same things I did in my youth. I don't eat the same way. I don't work or play the same way, so why would I dream the same way? There is still time for new dreams and I'm just the guy to have them. Just because my grandparents died when they did doesn't mean that I will. In fact, I decided today that I will live until at least 80. This means that I'm not at half-time yet. I'm captaining the final drive of the first half and I plan to hit the locker room with points on the board.
As always, thanks for reading.
Happy My Birthday!
Today is July 6, 2011 and I became 38 years old this afternoon. I have had other birthdays (37 to be exact), but this one was different. I usually spend by birthdays flogging myself with the scourge of self-pity as I slog through every depression-filled moment, thinking of all of the things I haven't accomplished. I revisit every dream of my youth in excruciating detail mocking myself for my complete lack of achievement. I remind myself of the ages when all of my grandparents died, as I try to calculate my probable life expectancy. Once I arrive at the number that will surely mark the end of my truly unremarkable life, I take note of just how much of it is already over. Makes you want to light the candles and sing, "Happy Birthday" doesn't it? It's morbid, I know. That's why today was so significant.
Today, I didn't do any of the usual depressing birthday things. I didn't stagger into the day with the sick sense of certain doom and despair I have come to know as birthday. I woke up with a different perspective. I went to work in a different mood. In fact, I did everything differently, because I realized some extremely important things. What I am about to share was huge for me. I don't necessarily expect it to be monumental for everyone, but I will warn you that reading any further may just screw up an otherwise very bad day.
My Birthday Epiphanies
The Magic of Marriage
Of my 38 years on this earth, I have known my wife for 26 of them. She has been my girlfriend for 22 of them and my wife for more than 15. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't know her and I never want to. She is precious to me. I have written about her in this blog before, and I could write volumes about what she means to me. Today, however I realized that if I could hold in my hand the complete fulfillment of every plan, scheme, and dream of my youth, I would trade them all instantly, without a second thought, for any one those 26 years. The fact that I have them all is worth more than any achievement, accomplishment, or accolade. I told you, she is precious to me. And just so you know, I told her too before I ever thought of writing this post.
The Encouragement of Children
My daughter is nearly 13 and my son is 8. I used to watch them and fret about whether or not I passed the "crazy" on genetically. Now, I look at them and see all of the aspects I love most about my wife, the humorous habits of my parents, and the talents that came from me. Sure, they have some of the odd bits too, but that's why they need parents. And it's good to be needed.
The Foundation of Friends
Among the things I took stock of today, were my friends. When I considered my small group of very close friends, I realized that every one of them are lifers. By lifers, I mean that they've been my friends for decades and they'll probably attend my retirement party, my 50th wedding anniversary celebration and my funeral. Nearly every member of the Greg's Friends Club has belonged for 15 or more years - some as long as 20 or even longer. This partially comes from being a lifer to other people, but there's a hefty load of blessing in the mix as well.
The Mindset of Maturity
Finally, I realized that the plans and dreams that I have been lamenting for years are not the plans and dreams of a mature man. They are the fleeting aspirations of a young man. I don't value the same things I did in my youth. I don't eat the same way. I don't work or play the same way, so why would I dream the same way? There is still time for new dreams and I'm just the guy to have them. Just because my grandparents died when they did doesn't mean that I will. In fact, I decided today that I will live until at least 80. This means that I'm not at half-time yet. I'm captaining the final drive of the first half and I plan to hit the locker room with points on the board.
As always, thanks for reading.
Happy My Birthday!
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