Super Power or Kryptonite

Day 509

OCD and ADHD combine into an odd concoction of abilities.  For instance, ADHD removes all filtering in my brain.  “Normal” people can have a conversation and, though they hear other sounds around them, they are able to tune out the extraneous noise in the room and focus on the person with whom they are talking.  I can’t do that.  With ADHD, all input is equally important, all the time.  A busy room becomes a sonic tapestry of interwoven conversational threads.  Needless to say, restaurants can be excruciating. 

When you add OCD into the mix, I not only hear all input equally, but I am, then, compelled to record and organize it in my mind.  I can actually hear four or five conversations going around me and keep track of them individually in my head.  This is a neat party trick for about ten minutes and then it becomes completely maddening, not to mention frustrating to whoever is with me at the time.  I try to think of it as one of my super powers, but despite the wow factor, it's mentally exhausting.

To give you an idea of what it's like, I'm going to let you into my head for ten minutes as a friend and I stopped into Starbucks for coffee.  Keep in mind that everything you read was recorded in my head, simultaneously, in real time and typed verbatim three hours later.

10 minutes in Starbucks

Mike: (heading to the restroom) “I’ll take a coffee.  Pick me out something real nice.”

Guy in front of me: “Now we’re talking, that’s exactly the flavor I was looking for.  Here, Honey, try this.”

Foursome behind me:

Person 1 “That’s really great, I’m glad you enjoyed it.” 

Person 2 “Yeah, you did very well, you should think about it as a profession.” 

Person 3 ”I just never thought it would be a good fit for me.  I guess I was wrong.”

Couple by the door:

Woman “I just don’t know if she’s ready, Jim.  I don’t think we should push.” 

Man “I’m not trying to push.  I just think it would be good for her, that’s all.”

Cashiers:

Woman 1 “I’ll finish clearing the pastry case.” 

Woman 2 “I’m just trying to get my register to ring out.”  

Woman 1 “Just close your till.  (looking at me) I can ring you up over here.”

Guy in front: (walking away) “See I told you you’d like it.  It’s sweet with just a little bite.”

Foursome:

Person 2 “We need to tell Jane about this.” 

Person 1 “I think we should just show her the pictures and see what she does.” 

Person 3 “I think we’ll have to.  She’d never believe if we just told her.”

Cashiers: Woman 1 “What can I get started for you?”

Me: “Two tall Pikes with room, please.”

Couple by the door:

Woman “Don’t worry, she’ll come around in time.  I was the same way.” 

Man “I hope you’re right.  I’d hate to see her miss an opportunity like this.”

Cahiers: Woman 1 “Here you go.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Mike: (back from the men’s room)  “What’s that?”

Me: “It's the Starbucks app.  I can load my card and use this to pay.  They scan it with that thing.”

Mike: “That’s so cool.”

Foursome:

Person 3 “What time is it?  We should go.” 

Person 2 “Oh my, it’s after nine.” 

Person 3 “Yeah, I think they close at ten anyway.” 

Person 3 “They do.”

Me: (walking to the condiment bar) “It’s cool, I just load with fifty bucks at a time and pay it down.  This way I don’t have to carry that card.  What? Oh, do you need some cream?  Miss, can we get some half and half?”

Coffee Woman: (handing the carton) "Sure, I think I can trust you not to run off with it.”

Couple by the door:

Man” Do you think she understands that I’m just looking out for her?” 

Woman “Maybe.  I wouldn’t stress about it.  You know how she can be.”

Foursome: (leaving to my left) Person 1 “We should do this again sometime.”

Me: (checking email on my iPod) “If Sirius Radio really wants me back, they’ll fix it so I can hear football.  I can listen to every baseball game being played, every NBA game, every NHL game, but if I want to listen to the NFL, I have to pay for the best of Sirius package on top of my XM subscription.”

Couple by the door: Woman “The food case is empty and they’re down to one register.  I think they’re closing up.”

Mike: (handing back the half and half) “Here you go.”

Coffee Woman: “Thanks.”

Me: “When they were separate companies, XM had baseball, basketball, and hockey, but Sirius had football.  After the merger, they still make me play extra for football.  It’s just like how I was done with Monday night football when they made me pay for it.  (leaving) That’s crazy!  This is America.  People went to war and died so that there could be free football in this country on Monday nights.”

Mike: “I think they went to war and died so that people could make money on football.”

Me: “Anyway, I think it’s stupid.  Where did we park?”

38

Day 497

Today is July 6, 2011 and I became 38 years old this afternoon. I have had other birthdays (37 to be exact), but this one was different. I usually spend by birthdays flogging myself with the scourge of self-pity as I slog through every depression-filled moment, thinking of all of the things I haven't accomplished. I revisit every dream of my youth in excruciating detail mocking myself for my complete lack of achievement. I remind myself of the ages when all of my grandparents died, as I try to calculate my probable life expectancy. Once I arrive at the number that will surely mark the end of my truly unremarkable life, I take note of just how much of it is already over. Makes you want to light the candles and sing, "Happy Birthday" doesn't it? It's morbid, I know. That's why today was so significant.

Today, I didn't do any of the usual depressing birthday things. I didn't stagger into the day with the sick sense of certain doom and despair I have come to know as birthday. I woke up with a different perspective. I went to work in a different mood. In fact, I did everything differently, because I realized some extremely important things. What I am about to share was huge for me. I don't necessarily expect it to be monumental for everyone, but I will warn you that reading any further may just screw up an otherwise very bad day.

My Birthday Epiphanies

The Magic of Marriage
Of my 38 years on this earth, I have known my wife for 26 of them. She has been my girlfriend for 22 of them and my wife for more than 15. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't know her and I never want to. She is precious to me. I have written about her in this blog before, and I could write volumes about what she means to me. Today, however I realized that if I could hold in my hand the complete fulfillment of every plan, scheme, and dream of my youth, I would trade them all instantly, without a second thought, for any one those 26 years. The fact that I have them all is worth more than any achievement, accomplishment, or accolade. I told you, she is precious to me. And just so you know, I told her too before I ever thought of writing this post.

The Encouragement of Children
My daughter is nearly 13 and my son is 8. I used to watch them and fret about whether or not I passed the "crazy" on genetically. Now, I look at them and see all of the aspects I love most about my wife, the humorous habits of my parents, and the talents that came from me. Sure, they have some of the odd bits too, but that's why they need parents. And it's good to be needed.

The Foundation of Friends
Among the things I took stock of today, were my friends. When I considered my small group of very close friends, I realized that every one of them are lifers. By lifers, I mean that they've been my friends for decades and they'll probably attend my retirement party, my 50th wedding anniversary celebration and my funeral. Nearly every member of the Greg's Friends Club has belonged for 15 or more years - some as long as 20 or even longer. This partially comes from being a lifer to other people, but there's a hefty load of blessing in the mix as well.

The Mindset of Maturity
Finally, I realized that the plans and dreams that I have been lamenting for years are not the plans and dreams of a mature man. They are the fleeting aspirations of a young man. I don't value the same things I did in my youth. I don't eat the same way. I don't work or play the same way, so why would I dream the same way? There is still time for new dreams and I'm just the guy to have them. Just because my grandparents died when they did doesn't mean that I will. In fact, I decided today that I will live until at least 80. This means that I'm not at half-time yet. I'm captaining the final drive of the first half and I plan to hit the locker room with points on the board.

As always, thanks for reading.
Happy My Birthday!

Super Power Number 2

Day 483

In my last post I told you about my super power of Resilience.  Today, it's all about Consistency. That's right, one thing about OCD people is that you can set your watch by us.  We will do the same thing every day the same way for the same amount of time in the same place facing the same direction and you can take that to the bank.

I think this is incredibly helpful to the world around me.  For instance, all the little critters in my neighborhood know to stay off the street at the same times every day (no matter when I say I plan to leave or arrive somewhere).  In that way they can plan their  hunting and scavenging without fear of being flattened by my truck.  I stop every morning at the same Starbucks, I order the same drink, I use the same amount of cream and sugar.  This allows Starbucks to plan accordingly and never worry about being caught off-guard by any impulsive ordering or use of condiments.

I help my city by showering and shaving at the same time every day (regardless of when I plan to get up).  This allows the water department to know exactly how much water I will use and plan accordingly.  I buy my gas at the same gas station every week (right after the light comes on to remind that I will soon be walking if I don't) so as not to adversely affect the price of gasoline and, thus, topple the US economy.  I arrive at every appointment at precisely the same time (10-15 minutes late depending on the inconsistency of other motorists and pedestrians).  This allows people to know when to expect me and plan accordingly.

I give my children the same responses to their questions, protests, gripes, and complaints.  This insures that they will have a consistent upbringing characterized by the utmost integrity.  I tell my wife the same jokes and get in trouble for the same things on a daily basis.  This gives her the security of knowing that I haven't changed and that she never has to doubt my sincerity or fidelity.  I cook food the same way every time to give my family a stability they couldn't find in any restaurant.  This allows them to know exactly when to complain and when to cheer.

Consistency pays off in many ways.  My friends and family never have to worry about whether or not I love them.  They never have to wonder if I will be there to protect them, defend them, challenge them, hold them, or hug them.  They never fear that will give up on them, walk away from them, or forget them.  They never have to guess which version of me they will get on any given day, because there's only one (like it or not).  Seriously, what good is a superhero if there's no guarantee he or she will show up when you're in need?  Strength, speed, size, smarts, and phenomenal cosmic powers are useless if you can't count on them to be utilized consistently.

Speaking of which, I need to brush my teeth now.  I would hate to upset the water department.

Super Power Number 1

Day 469

Viewing the elements of my OCD as super powers has significantly changed my outlook on life. I now look for ways to use my amazing abilities to help people. The best part is when they don't know about the "crazy". They only know that I can be a handy guy to have around. I've learned that, many times, other people don't see it as an illness as long as I don't.

The other side of the coin is that I've got this Greatest American Hero thing going on. I've got the suit and the powers, but learning to use them for the good of mankind is its own adventure. But the great part about writing a blog is that you get to tag along.

Ok, so let's take a look at exactly what my powers are. The first thing that comes to mind is an ability that I've found to be common among OCDers. It is supernatural Resilience. Seriously, how many of us have survived a stress load that would have leveled normal people and, yet, we're still kicking.

I had an in-depth discussion recently on Facebook with some close friends about the top ten superheroes of all time. We deliberated extensively about what criteria should be used to measure these titanic icons. Many factors were weighed and debated, but one thing we all agreed upon was resilience. A top notch superhero absolutely must be hard to kill. Using that criteria alone, we OCD folks qualify in spades.

I believe that Resilience, more than anything else, is what sets us apart. After 36 years of anxiety, fear, and the shear burden of literally thousands of daily rituals I found myself losing my grip on sanity, but I never considered giving up.

All through grade school, middle school, high school, and college I endured being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, and mistreated. I simply absorbed inhuman amounts of abuse and ridicule from employers, teachers, coaches, and even pastors. But it never occurred to me to quit.

I've been knocked down more times than I can count and I always get back up. In the old days I assumed that it was my job to swallow the sin for other people. And regular beatings were part of the deal. That was before I realized that I could be more than an emotional dumpster for the issues of others.

Now I see myself more like Rocky Balboa. I've taken beatings that should have killed me, but (start the inspiring theme music here) now I'm coming back. I have balance, I have strength, and I'm hard to kill.

So take heart, my friends. (climbing the steps now) What does not kill us really will only make us stronger. (building up steam) I have my meds. (taking the last rows two at a time) I have my Coach. (reaching the top) I have the support of my family and friends, but most importantly (jumping up and down like I just knocked out Godzilla) I have Resilience! (big high note before the camera freezes with me in mid-air)

And that's just some of what heroes are made of.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Self-Loathing is Not a Super Power

Day 465

In keeping with my renewed commitment to this blog, I made time yesterday to read up on what my OCD Blogging friends were up to (check out their blogs for yourself in my links section). I discovered a handful of them were dealing with the issue of self-loathing. As any of you who struggle with OCD know, this is one of the major issues we face. It was a monumental hurdle for me and one of the most significant breakthroughs I have experienced so far.

Like most people with OCD, I never thought much of myself. As a child, I can remember the shock I would feel when anyone expressed an interest in me. I lived with constant chaos in my head, so I made the assumption that being around me must be as excruciating as being me. Therefore, it never occurred to me that anyone would voluntarily subject himself or herself to that kind of aggravation. The struggle was exasperated by the fact that I was hiding the "crazy". In order to keep my secret, I had to allow people to believe things about me that weren't true. For instance, I had so many rituals to perform on a daily basis, by the time I was a teen that I could never be ready to leave or arrive somewhere on time. I had a choice to make. I could either tell people about my issues or just let them think that I was arrogant or self-centered and that I just didn't care about being on time. I chose the latter, because it allowed me to keep my secret.

Keeping the secret was damaging in many ways, but I was thoroughly convinced that, if people knew what was really going on, they would dislike me as much as I did. I made a practice out of taking the blame and the punishment for things other people did, because I believed it to be a strange form of nobility. By the time I reached adulthood, it was common for me to go around looking for opportunities to step in front of oncoming emotional trains. I began every sentence with, "I'm sorry..." I gave away all personal power and surrendered to the idea that I was simply destined for martyrdom. I became the sin eater for everyone around me absorbing as much blame, guilt, shame, and responsibility as I could stand. This was my service, my means of redemption - a way to make something of value out of my worthless existence.

You can see how therapy and I were bound to collide. Coach had his work cut out for him, but this was not his first rodeo. He helped me to see some very important factors. Here they are:

"I don't understand why people love me when I don't love me."
It doesn't matter! What matters is that they do! And, because they do, I get the undeserved privilege of accepting and returning their love. Not only that, I have the responsibility to accept and return their love.

"They shouldn't love me. If I were them, I wouldn't love me."
It doesn't matter! I'm not them! People have the free choice to love whom they choose and it is horrifically unfair, not to mention totally impossible, for me to try to deny them that freedom. The only choice I have is to make them thankful or miserable because of it.

"By withdrawing, I'm limiting the number of good people exposed to my crazy."
No I'm not! I'm simply causing all of those good people to wonder why I'm so angry, hurt, or whatever else they believe because I'm not talking. Just like love, people have the freedom to subject themselves to whom they choose and it is ridiculous to think that I can control that. They obviously love me when they don't even know what's really wrong. Finally having an explanation and getting to be part of the solution can only help.

Look, I'm most likely stuck with this thing in some form for the rest of my life, so I had to decide which parts I would embrace and which parts had to go. I believed I was only hurting myself and that somehow I deserved it, however that wasn't true. My self-loathing did the most damage to my friends and family who pledged to love me no matter what. If I was such a terrible person, what did that say about my friends choice of companions? What did it say about my wife's choice of a mate? What did that say about the very genes that made my children who they were? I had a decision to make and I'm better for my choice. Take it from me, self-loathing is not a super power.

Your eyes are getting sleepy...

Day 463

I just wanted to leave a quick note about a great way to get to sleep. No, this is not an advertisement, I'm not trying to get you into my down-line, and this is definitely not your path to financial freedom. It's way more normal than that, it's hypnosis!

I had been trying different things to help me sleep better when I remembered something from my college days. My roommate had a tape, yes I said tape as in cassette, remember those?

Anyway he had this tape of some guy teaching you how to hypnotize yourself. We used to listen to it after all-nighters to catch up on z's--and it really worked.

I looked on iTunes and found several hypnosis apps. The best ones were by a British guy named Glenn Harrold. If you want to get to sleep and wake up ready to go, Glenn is your guy.

Check him out and let me know what you think. But experiment at your own risk. If you develop sudden urges to bark like a cat, it's not my fault.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod