For my daughter

Day 348

A willowy young woman where once walked a child immersed in the innocent years of her youth

She summons my soul through her mother's eyes and deepens my spirit with my own heart

She drinks in life as once did I with guiltless gulps and sanguine swallows

She savors it's sweetness with droplets of dalliance dancing for joy down her slim-slender chin

She croons a carefree chorus of her choosing and dreams the dappled desires of youth.

Proving that passion means always believing, she discovers the forgotten faith that lose

She's a tempestuous tryer of my pitiable patience, a formidable foe full of free-spirited fire.

My embracer of epics, my lover of losers, my champion of children, and my forgiver of fools.

I play the role I'm cast to be from euphoria to catastrophe a prince, a king, a duke, an earl

The keeper of this precious pearl, my love, my life, my little girl.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Victory

Day 300

Triumph, because you're the last soldier standing
Conquer, by not giving in to your fear
Fend off your own inner demon's demanding
Defend everything that you've ever held dear

Surge with all of the strength in your being
Fight with the very last breath in your chest
Stand when the allies around you are fleeing
Rage on and render your skills to the test

Never give up! Never give in!
Never surrender your soul!
Never commit the unpardonable sin.
Force it to swallow you whole.

Press on, my son, though the enemy advances
Ride out to meet him at first light of day
Spur on your charger no matter your chances
Crying aloud, as you enter the fray

Reach deep within you for strength not your own
Unleash the fury of a terrible dream
Mangling muscle and shattering bone
The earth and the heavens resound as you scream

Never give up! Never give in!
Never surrender your soul!
Never commit the unpardonable sin.
Force it to swallow you whole.

Stand watch o'er the shells of the warriors now sleeping
Bind the torn fibers of your war-ravaged mind
Drink mad mournful tears from the bugle now weeping
For lovers and children and friends left behind

Scrub yourself free of the gore from the battle
Note all the bruises and scars that won't heal
Set yourself steady again the saddle
For these are the wounds only time can conceal

Never give up! Never give in!
Never surrender your soul!
Never commit the unpardonable sin.
Force it to swallow you whole.

Force it to swallow you whole.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Christmas Trees and Crazy People

Day 292

"O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, I wish you had some symmetry..."

For all of the heavy and serious things I have posted on this blog, I thought I would share something light-hearted today. Anyone who suffers from OCD knows that some of the things we do are just funny. As I've written before, one of my main issues is perfectionism. I struggle with the need to have things be even, straight, and symmetrical. This can bring about some interesting challenges.

I am a "real tree" person. I grew up in a "real tree" family. I married a "real tree" woman and we are raising a generation of "real tree" kids. All of my grandparents, many of my family members, and most of my friends were "fake tree" people. I tried not to hold it against them. The crazy part of me could actually appreciate the symmetrical nature of these plastic pines, and, let's be honest, they hold presents as well as the real ones. Still, there's something about unboxing a synthetic spruce carried up from the basement that has always seemed lazy to me. There's just something about the smell of real pine that ushers in the holiday season. It mixes so well with cinnamon, cloves, and sugar.

The odd thing about my "real tree" obsession is that it actually competes with my perfection obsession. Think about it, have you ever seen a perfectly symmetrical tree with a straight trunk, perfectly green needles, and a perfect top branch so that the star or the angel isn't crooked? Oh sure, you may get one or two of those characteristics, but not all them. Choosing a tree, then, becomes a process of giving up some of the things that bug me in order to achieve others that I like. This seems entirely reasonable to normal people, but for crazy people, it becomes "Which one of these imperfect trees sucks the least." Not exactly a touching Hallmark holiday sentiment, huh?

This year it was nice to be able to admit to my lovely wife, as we were wandering the rows of tree possibilities, that this is a problem for me. In the past, I simply tried to hide it and often ended up just grumping through the experience. We chose a tree this year with most of the qualifications I desired and later this week, we'll bring it into our home to be part of our Christmas celebration. Then we'll have to decorate it and that carries with it a whole other set of issues, but one thing at a time, right?

Next Tuesday is Day 300, I'm working on something appropriate for the occasion. In the meantime, make the most of this holiday season, and go get a tree. It'll do you good.

First Snow

Day 280

"Normal" has never been a term that fit me. "Creative," "Fascinating," "Strange," "Gifted," "Weird," "Odd," "Rebellious," "Recalcitrant," or "Crazy," but not "Normal." However, even people who have "Crazy" going on, often follow patterns that some may call normalities. Battling increasing amounts of anxiety and depression during the winter months is one of those things. I can't even get this right.

I love winter. I like cold weather. I live for snow. Don't get me wrong, I fight the frozen blues like many other folks, but not until late January or early February. October through December is my favorite season. And today I received one of my favorite gifts - the first snow.

Nothing beats the first snow. It's just cold enough to make flakes, but not so cold that you feel miserable. You can feel the crystallized confetti kiss your face. You can taste it on your tongue as the first snap of icy chill clears the pollen out of your head and wakes you up from the decongestant fog of summer.

Yeah, the sky is gray and the trees are bare, but God is sprinkling the powdered sugar of heaven all around you. The steam rises from your favorite stone mug as you pour in the first hot chocolate of the season. Cold on the outside, but warm on the inside. It sure beats living the other way around.

To those of you who are experiencing very real increases in your struggles as winter sets in, please know that my thoughts are with you. Gray skies and holiday stress can combine for a nasty cocktail. Let's hang in there together, take our pills, say our prayers, and survive one day at a time. You might also try playing in the snow.

Equations

Day 258

Any of you who know me will realize the irony in my use of math terminology. As an artist and creative, right-brained type individual, I have long been imperically challenged. However, in spite of my scientific deficiencies, I have discovered two very important equations that govern my life. I was speaking with a friend about them recently and she encouraged me to write them down, so here they are.

Equation number one: Money and Time are interchangeable. You can always get more of one by spending the other. This is an important thing to understand. Working in marketing, I have had the opportunity to make the acquaintance of some very wealthy and influential people. Most folks don't understand that making millions is not as complicated as they think. Anyone can do it, really. You just have to be willing to take calculated risks with your resources and work all the freaking time. The only insurance you have against failure and financial ruin is your willingness to work harder than everyone else to make your risks pay off. This will cost you time - days, nights, weekends, holidays, etc.

As your resources grow, you'll have more money. You, then, use the money to buy back your time. The trick is not getting so caught up in the pursuit that you forget to "get out" down the line. Most people are simply not willing to invest the time necessary to gain the wealth in the first place. Even fewer set goals up front and establish the accountability to help them remember to buy back their time when the work pays off.

Equation number two: Everyone whores out to something. The best we can hope for is to get to say "who," "when," and "how much." This may sound a bit pessimistic, but it's true. Sooner or later we choose to sell ourselves to something. It could be an ideal, it could be money, it could be religion, it could be a relationship, whatever. The happiest people I know are the ones who have determined for themselves the "who," the "when," and the "how much." Selling out feels a lot less like selling out and when you name your own parameters.

I heard it said once that an entrepreneur is someone who will work 80 hours a week for himself to keep from working 40 hours a week for someone else. A very good friend and mentor taught me that the only real job security in the world is in my head. It's my ability to adapt and learn, to kill it and drag it home, to resist those who would try to confine me by defining me. My gift for reinventing myself has kept me alive in the lean times and brought me success in the fat ones. I've learned that I'm happier when I'm saying "who," "when," and "how much."

Why do I share these equations with you? I share them to bring you some measure of inspiration. I have chosen to work through my issues-whatever it takes. I have also chosen to not let the "crazy" confine me by defining me. I will adapt. I will reinvent. I will work harder than everyone else. I will deal with this thing on my terms and, ultimately, prevail. You can too. It's not easy. It's not simple. It's not fun. But it's life and, by taking it head on, I'll ultimately be the one who decides how it turns out. You can too. Do the math.

Follow Up About Fade Outs

Day 239

They're called dissociative episodes. The simplest way to describe it is to say that my brain reaches it's limit for stimuli and just shuts down.

My brain doesn't actually turn off. It wanders, thinking in a continuous stream of consciousness while I check out of reality and stare off into space.

Doc Brown says that they can be managed by scheduling "down time" for myself. Even if it's just 15 minutes of meditation or a quiet walk. This will be a challenge since my life tends to be an endless flow of projects and deadlines.

I'll have to learn the importance of these periodic breaks. I may even need to set my alarm to remind me at first. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you informed.