Follow Up About Fade Outs

Day 239

They're called dissociative episodes. The simplest way to describe it is to say that my brain reaches it's limit for stimuli and just shuts down.

My brain doesn't actually turn off. It wanders, thinking in a continuous stream of consciousness while I check out of reality and stare off into space.

Doc Brown says that they can be managed by scheduling "down time" for myself. Even if it's just 15 minutes of meditation or a quiet walk. This will be a challenge since my life tends to be an endless flow of projects and deadlines.

I'll have to learn the importance of these periodic breaks. I may even need to set my alarm to remind me at first. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you informed.

The Technicality of Grace

Day 234

Grace is a concept that has always intrigued me. For purposes of this post let me define grace as "receiving what we don't deserve." Have you noticed that when we give grace to one another, we almost always do it because it's technically the "right" thing to do?

Grace is rarely given easily or freely, and it's hardly ever our first response. Most of the time we finally get around to granting grace out of moral obligation or a wise political strategy.

If you think about it, grace is probably the most valuable thing we can give to another person. It's the freedom to struggle, to screw up, to be needy, to fall short, to offend and apologize, to sit out, to lag behind, to be quiet, to shout, to judge, to jump to conclusions, to be nosey, to misunderstand, and to disagree.

In short, it is granting someone the opportunity to be human with all the frustrating baggage that accompanies, all the while guaranteeing them love when the smoke clears.

Grace is the thing we find hardest to give, and it's the thing we are most desperate to receive. We ache for it because we can't buy it, take it, make it or trade for it. Grace cannot be mass-produced or stored in surplus. It originates from within us. When we offer it, we are offering a piece of ourselves. Grace can only be given and accepted.

So just remember that grace is no ordinary gift, because, if it were, we would only want to give it to those who deserve it. After all, that's why we give gifts most of the time.

However, if they deserved it, it wouldn't be difficult to give. If they deserved it, it wouldn't be nearly as valuable. If they deserved it, technically, it wouldn't be grace.

One Bright Star

Day 229

One bright star in the heavens
Not the only one, just the only bright one
Beaming without regard to the thoughts of other stars
Without bestowal or removal of the Man in the Moon's approval
He's a beacon in the night

One shining pin prick in the fabric of the cosmos
His radiance is nothing new, it's all he's ever known to do
He'd never dim or mute his fire for there would be none to inspire
Men to shine their inner light

How much easier would it be to blend into the tapestry of barely twinkling dipping gourds, of hunters' belts and Grecian lords?

One glistening jewel upon azure hue
Not the safest one, just the bravest one
With firm resolve, denying convention, refusing dissolve with the purest intention
He burns aloft against the fade, regardless of the comments made
He does what he believes is right

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

A Quick Thought

Day 221

We all have predispositions when it comes to interaction with people. There are those who prefer association with others, those who prefer evaluation of others, those who prefer manipulation of others, and those who prefer connection with others, just to name a few.

Being an artist, I am, by nature, a connector. I have an innate desire to communicate--to understand and be understood.

Unfortunately, I am also an introvert. This presents an extra unique challenge when I factor in the "crazy". In order to fulfill the desire for connection, I have to encounter people; and people wear me out faster than anything.

Admittedly, the meds have helped. I have also made strides using visualization and breathing techniques. However, the biggest change has been the way I see myself.

I used to think I was cancerous to relationships and toxic to those around me. I lived for years regretting the way I handled things in my past. Because of the chaos in my head, I assumed that, since I couldn't make sense of myself, no one else could either.

The major flaw in my logic was that this approach left me wholly responsible for every bump in the road. The truth is that no one is ever entirely responsible for every issue. Believing this way also fed and fueled the negative self-image I had developed.

I needed to see my life as worthwhile, even beneficial to others. I had to extend grace to the one person in my life who, for 36 years, had been utterly unlovable-- me.

Audibly congratulating myself for doing things well and celebrating every interpersonal victory, regardless of how seemingly insignificant was a huge shift. I must admit that there have been times when I have felt a bit like Stuart Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

So, I'll let you know that reprogramming your self-image is going to feel a little strange. But, occasionally becoming a caricature of me has taught me not to take myself or others too seriously. This has been one of the most liberating things I've tried. As a result, I have grown in my ability to handle, and even connect with, people.

I won't be winning any humanitarian awards any time soon, but I do think I'm a little easier to be around these days.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone