"Um...Hi."

Still Day 958

OK, so I suppose you're wondering where I've been for almost a year.  I don't blame you.  I could have written or called and I probably should have.  But I was really trying to see if I could do it.  I mean, we're supposed to get better right?  And in our situation, better means living more like everyone else.  Well, I don't know very many everyone elses who write about being crazy (sorry, Coach) on a regular basis.

I mean, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to tie a bow around this thing and pack it away.  that was evident when I still found myself counting everything in even numbers, chewing equally on both sides of my mouth, alternating my footsteps across horizontal planes when I walk, and many of my other parlor tricks.  More than a year of therapy and medication and I'm still my own little side show.

It was OK, though, because I was able to keep the festivities in my head again.  You know, kind of like my own entertainment.  I was surviving too, until summer.  Yes, now we arrive at the purpose of our fated reunion.  There will be much written about this summer in the weeks to come, but for now, I'll give you the list.  Even better - bullet points.

• I started a business (in addition to the other business I already owned - looking for an auxiliary income stream to augment a lack of profitability)
• I performed a funeral for a friend
• I redesigned the entire marketing program of my main business still trying to discover some illusive profitability
• I performed a funeral for the mother of one of my oldest friends (she died senselessly and suddenly of cancer and it felt like burying my own mother)  This brought me face to face with countless people from my childhood and adolescence.
• I started another business (with a dear friend who needs to be free of a job that's killing him and take charge of his future)
• I performed a funeral for one of my closest friends from college (who hung himself in a closet)  This brought me face to face with countless people from college.
• I turned 39
• I took my wife and kids to Disney World (no small feat for a crazy guy - I encountered 2 planes, a dozen restaurants, four crowded theme parks, monorails, trains, buses, a safari truck, and half of the nation of Brazil)
• I performed a funeral for my Great-Aunt (who died of natural causes at 90)  This brought me face to face with countless extended relatives.
• I redesigned the entire marketing program for the first business I started still looking for auxiliary income for the main business that was still struggling.
• I performed a funeral for the Grandmother of the same friend who lost his mother 2 months ago.  This brought me face to face with extended members of his family for whom I had no answers regarding their feelings of injustice and grief.
• I redesigned the entire marketing program for my main business in yet another effort to reach profitability.
• I just found out that someone close to me has cancer.

So there it is, World.  As you can see, we have much to discuss.  I don't really know what to call this next adventure.  Or what to call the last 11 months.  One thing I do want you to know, though, is that it wasn't anything you did.  It wasn't you, it was me.  I guess I just needed some space, you know, to find myself.  Or maybe I just realized that it isn't so bad to need you after all.  Stop me if I had you at "Hello"...

Homecoming

Day 958

The rain runs cold off my worn leather cap as I turn the key over in my hand.  It's been so long.  Will anyone even remember me?  Do I care?  Well, I must, because here I am standing in the rain like a fool looking at a locked door and trying to convince myself it's better out here.

It's been almost a year since I left.  What do I say?  Where so I start?  So much has happened.

What if I don't have answers for all the questions?  What if there are no questions?  What if no one noticed I was gone?  That would be good, right?  That would mean that I was inconsequential from the beginning.  And if I was inconsequential from the beginning, I was never important enough to have hurt anyone.  I can handle the embarrassment, the puzzled expressions, the shame.  As long as nobody got hurt.

Still, I highly doubt that it's appropriate to heave the door open and shout, "Honey, I'm home!"  This is home isn't it?  Of course it is.  After all, I built this place.  I invited these people.  It's my key and my door.  What was I thinking?  After living here all these years, how could I possibly have believed that I could simply lock it up and walk away?

Well, there's nothing for it, Mr. Frodo.  It's time to face the music.  I'll just be honest and say what I'm thinking.  That's what worked last time.  Oh, look at that.  The key still fits...

OCD Makes Conflict Extra Difficult

Day 606

If you've been a reader of this blog for any length of time, you know that I often process heavy things with poetry. I apologize if this one melts your brain, but I promised to share the struggles along with the success. Here you go.

Tension, like dense fog frozen, envelopes the eviscerated carcasses of half-truths hung

Chilling the marrow of well meaning warm bloods, it hardens the hell-bent belligerent tongue

Political poison slowly subdues him, maniacal maneuvers breathe whispers of woe

Beware the plots of polyester pirates that grin with their good eye for things you don't know

Seduced by the secrets that romance rebellion he tears at the frayed edge of friendship forlorn

Irrational fear of betrayal awakens his battle-worn bloodlust for power reborn

No apology appeases his red-faced raging no concession consoles his torment within

In the end he denies me the right of redemption resigning to only repeat it again

I gather the shards of my shattered conviction and piece them together as best I recall

Forged in the fire of pure self-reliance I gather up stones and rebuild my wall

Amazed, I consider the numerous occasions upon which I've risen from rubble and dust

Pain is the process that produces a metal resistant to rot, erosion, and rust

Fractures and fragments lie strewn out behind me the flotsam of faltering footsteps in sand

The pieces I'm missing are now gone forever, the future I'm facing unfolds in my hand

Gone are the innocent days of denial, the challenger beckons me into the street

Facing each other with trigger hands twitching this may be the final occasion we meet

He glares with his drawing hand poised and positioned, promising to mete out my judgement today

But I'm tired of fighting for what doesn't matter so I simply refuse him and just walk away

On a desolate street he festers and curses wondering why he's again all alone

With eyes that look inward he'll never see clearly, the only betrayal of him was his own

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Catching Up with Coach

Day 591

My last meeting with Coach was back in May.  I scheduled a follow-up that day for sometime during the summer, but I missed it, so, needless to say, it had been a while.  We had an awesome time catching up on all that has happened in the last four months (more about that later).

Our main topic of conversation was all of the progress I have made in a year and a half.  The cocktail of meds that I take every night is doing the trick and I'm functioning better than ever.  I can't say that I have completely conquered the "crazy."  I would say it's more like OCD and I have negotiated a form of organized chaos.  I don't know if we'll ever "break up" but we have had "the talk."  We sat down and worked it out.

Me:  "It's not you, it's me.  I just need some space - to think things through.  I need to find myself and what really makes me happy."

OCD: "But..."

Me: "Look, you deserve to be happy too.  I'm not stupid, you know.  I've seen how miserable you've been for the last year and a half."

OCD: "I know it's been rough, but I can change, really."

Me: "I appreciate the thought, but you haven't changed in 38 years and I don't see it happening now.  I just think that some distance will do us good.  It's exactly what we both need right now."

OCD: "Can we still be friends?"

Me: "I don't know, maybe, but things will never be like they were.  We can keep talking I guess and see where things go from there."

OCD: "I can live with that."

Me: "OK."

Disclaimer: If you have to ask me where that bit of dialogue came from, you don't really have OCD.

Anyway, I shared with Coach what I have been working on all summer.  Having my head clear has allowed me to focus on a project that I'm very passionate about.  It's called "Freeing Families."  I identified 12 freedoms that I believe are evident in the life of a healthy family.  Then I created a system to teach people how to strengthen their families so that these 12 freedoms become part of their daily lives.  Once I created all this content, I launched www.freeingfamilies.com.  It's a website where people can go to learn about how it all works.

I also began assembling the entire first year of posts from this blog into a eBook along with some extra bonus content.  I hope to make that available on this blog very soon.  It was an action-packed summer to say the least, but some really great things came out of it.  I have to say that there is a lot of satisfaction that comes from looking at the road behind me and see how far I've traveled.  Thank you so much to all of you who have journeyed with me.  As I told the Coach, this would not have been possible without you.

If you would be interested in a copy of Conquering Crazy Year One, please leave a comment or email me and let me know.  I'm always balancing priorities and, if there is interest in this, I'll move it up the list.

OCD Test

Day 560

"So, you believe that you have OCD?"

"Yes."

"Then you probably do."

"Really?"

"Have you done any reading, research, tested yourself?"

"All of the above.  I have scoured the internet, read two books, and taken two different tests by two different authors."

"Two?"

"It's an even number thing."

"I see.  It seems you've arrived at a pretty clear diagnosis.  That's doesn't surprise me, actually.  Most of my patients who have OCD are self-diagnosed."

This was the first conversation I had with Coach regarding the "crazy".  I was surprised at first to learn that self-diagnosis was the rule and not the exception.  But once I thought about it, the idea made perfect sense to me.  I mean, after all, we are the kings and queens of research.  For 36 years the mere mention of new subject matter would provide fuel for days of obsessive informational devourment.  In reality, no one needed to diagnose me at all.  I had lived with it all my life, so the beginning of my journey had more to do with admittance than proclamation.

In the last year and a half I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing people who live with "crazy" of there own.  Regardless of the details, nearly every one of them were self-diagnosed in the beginning.  This is why I decided to write this post and share how I arrived at my diagnosis.  You may be out there wondering whether you have OCD.  Maybe your friends tease you about being neat, super clean, overly organized, or whatever; and their jibes have left you wondering.  I can't pronounce you OCD, but I can show you what led me to that conclusion and hopefully it helps.

I started with a book called Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty  by Johnathan Grayson.  This book takes it apart piece by piece and walks you through every step of self-assessment (in fact I chose it at my local  bookstore mainly because it had the most exhaustive test section).  I have never met Dr. Grayson, but he has been dealing with OCD for decades and I can tell you from personal experience, the man knows his "crazy".  I learned a ton of awesome information from this book including how OCD manifests differently in each person, how to understand where the "OCD thoughts" come from, and how to challenge it through cognitive behavioral therapy.

Even today, I still use much of what I learned from Dr. Grayson.  It's not an overly entertaining book or a hand-holding touchy-feely experience, but it is packed full of facts, explanations, and assessments.  I highly recommend picking up a copy to use as a reference during your journey.  I know I have returned to this book many times for those helpful bits of information that I couldn't quite recall.  I have also reassessed myself with the tests to find where I have progressed.  It's not an expensive book, but one we all should own.  I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about this book and/or this post in comments section.  The more we talk to each other, the more progress we make.

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

Day 547

I heard once that Knowledge was knowing the answers and Wisdom was knowing where to find them. I still believe there’s truth to that, but recently I’ve unearthed a broader understanding of these two virtues.

As a young man, I took pride in the fact that I knew a lot of answers (and even if I didn’t, I was full of enough BS to fake it until I did). I saw that having an answer for everything showed people that I was smart, quick, and intellectually formidable. I also learned that having quick answers either impressed or intimidated most people allowing me to push my way through otherwise challenging situations.

Now that I’m living on the other side of 37, I have a different perspective. I understand that the defense of my insatiable appetite for knowledge was often just a rationalization for my “Crazy”. I allowed OCD to drive me and then justified it by displaying my impressive collection of informational pirate booty. I used knowledge as weaponry in the conquest of of my environment. I railed against the systems and institutions that imprisoned my "boxless” world view. Seduced by my sickness, I sold myself to its offerings and laid waste to my surroundings in a desperate effort to gain a modicum of emotional elbow room.

It wasn’t until I began therapy that I learned to view Wisdom in higher regard. Wisdom was swimming in the ocean. Vast and deep, slow and lumbering; its power was undoubtedly immense, but it never seemed worth the effort. Wisdom was the territory of the aged. Its lavish, horded wealth of mystical secrets lined the pockets of the seasoned and the sage. I was young and quick, strong and smart. I didn’t have time to wait for the old money of wisdom to pass down to me.

As I approach the halftime of my life, I can say I know things now, that I didn’t know then. Knowledge, it seems, is still about having the answers to the questions. Wisdom, however, lies deep within the ability to ask the right questions at the right time.

What question is burning in your mind these days? Take some time and journey into its possibilities. You may find that swimming in the ocean can be rather refreshing.