Day 208
Where do I go when I am gone?
Where do I hide when I'm withdrawn?
A minute. An hour. A night.
And then, the dawn will rescue me again.
A random thought, a frantic rabbit.
Disappearing becomes a habit
Face it. Chase it. Fight it down.
Then stab it and bury it in frigid ground.
I fade. I stare. I check out. I zone.
She brings me back from all alone.
Twisted, tangled, thoughts astray.
I phone it in - she says, "that's OK."
In the corners of my mind I've found,
Nothing because my mind is round.
But with every daunting step I take,
I'm bound to once again awake.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sharing the Struggles
Day 191
My association with church and religion has been a complicated and many-faceted one over the years. My relationship with God began in my teens and has grown through countless seasons of life--some pretty and some not so much. Ministry has been, in some ways, my greatest joy and, in other ways, my greatest pain. I have had the privilege of helping people discover God's love, mercy, and grace for themselves. I have taught from scriptures and applied timeless Biblical truth to life in ways that have enabled people to grow closer to God and love others. I have also suffered inhuman levels of abuse at the hands of people who claim to love and follow Jesus. I have been lied about, lied to, ridiculed, mocked, plotted against, betrayed, cussed, dismissed, ignored, and marginalized--all within the walls of the church.
My philosophy of ministry has never exactly jived with the church establishment. Maybe it's the "crazy", but I have always struggled with the idea of fixing, improving, changing, and saving people with religion. I see Jesus differently. My goal has always been to try to be authentic, open, and truthful as I build relationships with people inside and outside the church walls. I believe that the Apostle Paul spoke to this in the book of Philippians.
In verse 14, after he shared about how the strength of God enabled him to live whether in want or in plenty, he states, "Still, it was good of you to share in my struggles." The point is that the power of God, the strength of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the love of God and so on will be experienced when we care enough to simply share in each other's struggles.
That's one of the things that I hope to accomplish through this blog. I want to write openly, authenticly, and truthfully in an effort to share in the struggles of others and allow them to share in mine. This is how we win. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU to all who read these words. Please know that somewhere there's a guy who regularly prays for everyone touched by the "crazy". You are remembered, appreciated, supported, and loved. Hang in there.
My association with church and religion has been a complicated and many-faceted one over the years. My relationship with God began in my teens and has grown through countless seasons of life--some pretty and some not so much. Ministry has been, in some ways, my greatest joy and, in other ways, my greatest pain. I have had the privilege of helping people discover God's love, mercy, and grace for themselves. I have taught from scriptures and applied timeless Biblical truth to life in ways that have enabled people to grow closer to God and love others. I have also suffered inhuman levels of abuse at the hands of people who claim to love and follow Jesus. I have been lied about, lied to, ridiculed, mocked, plotted against, betrayed, cussed, dismissed, ignored, and marginalized--all within the walls of the church.
My philosophy of ministry has never exactly jived with the church establishment. Maybe it's the "crazy", but I have always struggled with the idea of fixing, improving, changing, and saving people with religion. I see Jesus differently. My goal has always been to try to be authentic, open, and truthful as I build relationships with people inside and outside the church walls. I believe that the Apostle Paul spoke to this in the book of Philippians.
In verse 14, after he shared about how the strength of God enabled him to live whether in want or in plenty, he states, "Still, it was good of you to share in my struggles." The point is that the power of God, the strength of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the love of God and so on will be experienced when we care enough to simply share in each other's struggles.
That's one of the things that I hope to accomplish through this blog. I want to write openly, authenticly, and truthfully in an effort to share in the struggles of others and allow them to share in mine. This is how we win. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU to all who read these words. Please know that somewhere there's a guy who regularly prays for everyone touched by the "crazy". You are remembered, appreciated, supported, and loved. Hang in there.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Quick Update - New Meds
Day 187
I saw Doc Brown on Wednesday. We decided that 40mg of Methylin in two doses wasn't getting the job done. We opted for Concerta in an effort to eliminate remembering to take pills in the middle of the day, boost the focus effect and minimize the rebound symptoms. I started it today. I took two 36mg capsules around 9:30 am and it's now 9:56 pm.
I have felt it wearing off for the last 30-40 minutes and I'm beginning to rebound. All in all, things went pretty smoothly considering we went from 40mg of one med in two 20mg dosages to 72mg of the same basic med (the FDA maximum dosage) in one dosage with a long-term release mechanism. Right now, I'm just waiting. It usually takes a day or two to discover all of the fun side effects of drugs like these. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
When the Wheels Fell Off Part 2
Day 187
"Just a minute..."
"This is Barb."
"Barb, it's your favorite insurance customer."
"Hi, Greg. What can I do for you?"
"You're never going to believe this one. The wheel fell off my truck."
"Oh my! Are you OK? Was there damage? Was anyone hurt?"
"No, but my truck is out of commission for a week or so. Does my policy cover a rental?"
"Not unless there was damage to the frame or the body. And since this wasn't exactly an accident, I'm not sure they will."
"Can you call and ask anyway? I'm hurting without a vehicle"
"OK, let me see what I can do."
A few hours later
"Good news, as it turns out, the policy will cover a rental 'til you get your truck back. You should check with Chrysler to see if they have any recalls listed for that model. I seem to remember something about recalling ball joints on front wheels of Durangos."
"I did that after I got off the phone with you earlier and they do have a recall out for my truck as a matter of fact. I called a friend of mine who owns a Dodge dealership in northern Ohio and he gave me his service manager who gave me a number for Chrysler. I called the number and spoke with a nice lady who gave me a man who transfered me to another man who gave me the number to call. I called and left a message and I'm just waiting to hear something. I'll keep you posted."
"Well, the good news is that you should be able to pick up your rental today at Enterprise."
"Cool, thanks, Barb. You're the best."
Hours later
"Here you go, sir. These are the keys to your Hyundai Sonata. Drive safely and thanks for using Enterprise."
"Hmm..XM radio, Cool!"
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Check this out!
Day 186
I don't normally write multiple posts in one day, but I'm due for some blog action. I received a fantastic email from a woman named Abby Nelson at www.mastersincounseling.com. They recently compiled a list of 50 great OCD blogs and I was chosen as one of them.
If you love blogs about the "crazy" (and I know you do) you should really check out this list. There are some wonderful and creative writers out there sharing about their experiences. Thanks, Abby, I am truly honored to be part of your effort to help people learn to live with OCD.
Here's the link: http://www.mastersincounseling.com/50-great-blogs-for-ocd-support
I don't normally write multiple posts in one day, but I'm due for some blog action. I received a fantastic email from a woman named Abby Nelson at www.mastersincounseling.com. They recently compiled a list of 50 great OCD blogs and I was chosen as one of them.
If you love blogs about the "crazy" (and I know you do) you should really check out this list. There are some wonderful and creative writers out there sharing about their experiences. Thanks, Abby, I am truly honored to be part of your effort to help people learn to live with OCD.
Here's the link: http://www.mastersincounseling.com/50-great-blogs-for-ocd-support
You Can't Fall Up
Day 186
I will continue the story about the wheel on my truck in upcoming posts, but, today, I want to share something else.
When I was first diagnosed with clinical OCD there was a period of shock--a time when I said to myself, "Wow, I have a problem. I mean a real problem. This is one that takes doctors and medications and therapy. This is not just a bad day!" I did all the usual things. I researched the problem. I worried about the problem. I dwelt on all the negative aspects of the problem. Then, I told some people about the problem. I medicated the problem. After a while, I realized that it wasn't the end of all things, it was just a problem.
I was standing on the observation tower at Clingman's Dome 6643 feet above sea level (the highest point in the Smoky Mountains). Looking out, I could see for nearly 50 miles and stretched across those miles were many peaks and valleys. That's life, World. Peaks and valleys. And it was at this point that a life-changing thing happened to me. I realized that it is possible to fall from a peak as a result if a random happening; and that such a fall could send a person into a completely uncontrolled, rapid, and perilous descent landing that person abruptly and painfully at the bottom of a deep valley.
That was the first part, but what happened next sealed the deal. For the first time in my 37 years of life it became painfully clear to me that, while a person can certainly fall from a peak to a valley, it is impossible to fall back up. There's only one way out of a valley and that's to climb. Funny thing about climbing, it doesn't happen by accident like falling does. In order to climb, one has to be intentional about it. It's hard work. It's a struggle. It's a growth experience and an incredible victory. Climbing changes us--makes us stronger. This is why people pay large sums of money and risk life and limb to climb to the top of mountains, but nobody's out there laying down their life savings to fall off of one.
I'm happy to report that I have finally begun my intentional climb out of this valley. I don't know when I'll reach the top, but I do know I be stronger, when I do.
I will continue the story about the wheel on my truck in upcoming posts, but, today, I want to share something else.
When I was first diagnosed with clinical OCD there was a period of shock--a time when I said to myself, "Wow, I have a problem. I mean a real problem. This is one that takes doctors and medications and therapy. This is not just a bad day!" I did all the usual things. I researched the problem. I worried about the problem. I dwelt on all the negative aspects of the problem. Then, I told some people about the problem. I medicated the problem. After a while, I realized that it wasn't the end of all things, it was just a problem.
I was standing on the observation tower at Clingman's Dome 6643 feet above sea level (the highest point in the Smoky Mountains). Looking out, I could see for nearly 50 miles and stretched across those miles were many peaks and valleys. That's life, World. Peaks and valleys. And it was at this point that a life-changing thing happened to me. I realized that it is possible to fall from a peak as a result if a random happening; and that such a fall could send a person into a completely uncontrolled, rapid, and perilous descent landing that person abruptly and painfully at the bottom of a deep valley.
That was the first part, but what happened next sealed the deal. For the first time in my 37 years of life it became painfully clear to me that, while a person can certainly fall from a peak to a valley, it is impossible to fall back up. There's only one way out of a valley and that's to climb. Funny thing about climbing, it doesn't happen by accident like falling does. In order to climb, one has to be intentional about it. It's hard work. It's a struggle. It's a growth experience and an incredible victory. Climbing changes us--makes us stronger. This is why people pay large sums of money and risk life and limb to climb to the top of mountains, but nobody's out there laying down their life savings to fall off of one.
I'm happy to report that I have finally begun my intentional climb out of this valley. I don't know when I'll reach the top, but I do know I be stronger, when I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)